Fool's Chocolate Swirl Cake

It comes as no surprise to anyone who has read this blog or heard me rave about my latest chocolate-making experiment that I like to make a lot of crazy things from scratch. Also unsurprising: the first store-bought thing I reconstructed at home was alcoholic. That year for Christmas I handed out bottles of homemade Baileys.

But I am also extraordinarily lazy, and will condense as many bowls as possible into one, and sometimes, if there are dinner parties to be had, I will decide that cocktails work much better if one isn't running around in clouds of flour trying to make a million-dollar dessert an hour before it's supposed to be served. Not that I've done this or anything. Also, it is really difficult to make anything with a cocktail in your hand.

Anything except this cake, that is.

It is so easy, you could probably make it one-handed, should you ever break your arm or find your hand stuck to a martini glass. So, should you ever find yourself in such a position, or should you need a dessert the day of an event, or should you just really direly need chocolate cake, this is the cake for you.

Conveniently, it is also gluten-free. My housemate's mother has celiac, and one of my housemates is gluten-intolerant, and I am intolerant of gluten-free desserts that try to fake and flail their way through flour, so this is a classic flourless chocolate cake that doesn't call for any bizarre ingredients. I love flourless chocolate cakes, but I generally think they're too dark and dense and rich, and I love marbled brownies, so I added a cheesecake swirl to the top.

Should you ever be in the position of needing a day-of-dessert, or else just in the position of needing chocolate cake really badly (which is the more likely event), I offer you this cake. I hope you make it, for that holiday party you were invited to, or, like, right now, because it will take you less than an hour, and only for fifteen minutes will only have to detach yourself from your martini glass.

Fittingly, this is the fastest blog post I have ever written.

Fool's Chocolate Swirl Cake (GF)

yields one cake in forty-five minutes of your time, only fifteen of them active

chocolate batter:
4 ounces fine-quality semi- or bittersweet chocolate (not unsweetened)
1 stick (1/2 cup) unsalted butter
3/4 cup sugar
3 large eggs
1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa powder plus additional for sprinkling

cheesecake batter:
6oz cream cheese
1 egg
heaping ¼ cup sugar


Preheat oven to 375°F and butter an 8- or 9-inch round spring-form pan. Line the bottom with a round of parchment paper, butter that too, then dust the whole deal with cocoa powder. Tap out the excess.

Put the sugar in a large bowl. In a double boiler or small metal bowl set over a saucepan of simmering water, melt the chocolate with butter, stirring every once and a while, until smooth.

While the chocolate and butter are doing their thing, make the cheesecake batter. Whisk the creamcheese, egg, and sugar together until smooth. That’s it: set it aside.

Back to the chocolate: once melted, remove the bowl from heat and add to the sugar. Whisk to combine, then add the eggs and whisk again. Sift 1/2 cup cocoa powder over chocolate mixture and whisk until just combined.

Pour chocolate batter into pan and smooth out to the edges. Add the cream cheese batter to the top. With a knife, cut in some swirly marble designs. Bake in middle of oven 25 minutes, or until the cheesecake swirls have just barely started to brown. The cake will jiggle slightly, and the toothpick test would fail miserably if we bothered to run it. So we won't, but trust me, it's done. Leave it in there any longer and it might crack, and we don't want that! So take it out, and cool the cake in the pan on a rack for 5 minutes.

Slide a rubber spatula around the edges of the pan, then carefully unspring the pan sides. Now, the reason why we used parchment paper: cut the cake in the pan. This is such a soft, near-molten cake that there’s no way you could possibly unmold it. So don’t! Cut into slices, slide onto plates, and serve with any extravagant fixings you so desire. A sprinkling of cacao nibs? A dash of crême fraiche (not crazy, I swear)? A dollop of whipped cream? Frozen yogurt, white chocolate ice cream, vanilla ice cream? A white russian? It's your dream.

Supposing you your guests don't eat it all, this cake will keep in an airtight container for one week.